One of these things first

I could have been a sailor, could have been a cook
A real live lover, could have been a book
I could have been a signpost, could have been a clock
As simple as a kettle, steady as a rock
I could be
Here and now
I would be, I should be
But how?
I could have been
One of these things first

— Nick Drake, “One of These Things First” (1971)

A couple months ago, I visited my childhood home in Southern California to help clear out some things before we sell. Among the pile of Beanie Babies, my mom had kept box after box of artwork my sister and I made growing up, dating back to preschool.

I had forgotten much of it. And seeing it again, I was floored. I couldn’t believe it was me who made those things.

More than the quantity and quality, I struck by the manner and style. Things were made so free and loose. Without overthinking, without hesitation or self-doubt. These days, the challenge is capturing the same carefree headspace I had back then, amid deadlines and bottom lines.

In a recent conversation with Stripe CEO Patrick Collison, Jony Ive shared a similar sentiment:

My state of mind and how I am in my practice ultimately is going to be embodied in my work. If I’m consumed with anxiety that’s how the work will end up.

I came back to San Francisco feeling grateful to be practicing design for a living, with a renewed sense that it’s what I was meant to do all along. Because it’s what I had always done. Memories came flooding back of getting completely carried away, absorbed in creating something for hours on end.

My younger self was the most creative person I know, and he inspires me to this day.